Grieving During the Pandemic

On the morning of March 29th, I awoke to the news that my Grandma Peg had passed away at the age of 91. 

Although COVID-19 couldn’t be called upon to place blame for her passing, it still took many things away throughout the grieving process. 

As positive cases began to rise in Frederick County, nursing homes were placed on lockdown. This included the one that my grandmother had been at for the past couple of years. This made it very difficult to see her on a regular basis. During this period, she had fallen and injured herself, requiring help from daily aids. 

I hate to admit it, but fear eventually became a big motivator, or preventer I should say, from visiting her. I was scared of being asymptomatic and spreading the virus to her, scared of seeing her in a vulnerable state, a state that had the potential of stripping the good memories away. 

Some of the fondest memories I have with my grandmother included going to Basket and Purse Bingo with her at The Banner School. She would get there early, sometimes 4:45 PM, and we’d stay until 10 at night. I remember her nudging me when she knew she was about to win, and asking me to pick out which bag I wanted. 

COVID was a weird monster to deal with during all of this. I knew my grandmother’s condition was deteriorating, but since I hadn’t been able to see her since the start of the pandemic, I didn’t have a good gauge on how fast things were going downhill. 

It still doesn’t feel real, like a lot of what has happened during the past year. COVID seemed to lessen the blow of hearing this news, but not in a good way. Since my normal at that time was not seeing her on a regular basis, I don’t think I could fully come to terms with what had happened until I saw her ashes. 

Everyone goes through their own five stages of grief after losing a loved one. One of the stages inevitably leads to the thought that you didn’t do enough. The reasons elude you now, but there was that time you turned down a lunch invitation or declined a call. You wish you could warn your past self and tell them that there will come a time where you don’t have the option to see them or talk to them at all. 

While COVID took away some of my capability to grieve and gain closure, I’m grateful that it can’t take away my memories of her, and the celebration of the full life she did live.